tpena19 | Magnificent Seven Picspam with Fic-y Dialog

Title: THE PLAN: Diversionary Methods
Author: tpena19
Rating: Gen, PG-13
Fandom Universe: Magnificent Seven: Old West
Genre: Humor
Characters: Ezra, Vin, the rest of the boys
Disclaimer: I don't own Mag7 and I make no money off this.
Warnings: Language
Spoilers: Yes, for some episodes, but mostly just in general.
Prompt/Summary: PLAYFUL - Vin spots a potential problem and engages Ezra to defuse it.
Author's Note: This is an Ezra heavy picspam with plot and dialog based on the prompt PLAYFUL for the challenge community m7land.

THE PLAN: Diversionary Methods

Huh...things sure have been boring as all heck around here lately. Larabee is starting to get a bit stir crazy, been glaring at livestock and townsfolk alike. I think this calls for a little di-ver-sion. And who does diversion best? Hey Ez, I need to talk at ya.

Mr. Tanner what can Ah do for you?

You want me to what!?

What are you two up to now? It better not involve any damn dynamite.

Why Mr. Larabee, you wound us. We only ever have the town's best interests at heart. Yeah, what he said.

So, will you do it? Will you pay me?

That enough? I suppose it will do.

You going to go about earning that any time soon? Patience, Mr. Tanner, is a virtue. Would you happen to know where about I could find Mr. Wilmington? Where else?

Gawd damn, but no idjit better get it into his pea brain to rob the bank today. *cough* Begging your pardon...

You interrupted my sexy time to ask me that!? Dammit, Hoss! Have you lost your damn mind!? It's a legitimate question, and as you are his oldest friend, you ought to know the answer. Dress-up. Pardon? Look, you asked. That's your answer now get lost. Dress-up?

This is the best you could come up with?

It was Buck's idea. How the hell did I let you talk me into this? And why in tarnation did you keep these uniforms? You never know when a thing will come in handy. I think it's neat. I'm a Captain, right? You wish.

Don't be such a grump, Buck. It's not my fault your animal maggotism failed you. Josiah'll let me be a Captain, won't you Josiah? Maybe later John Dunne. Ezra, son, tell me those are men you've hired for authenticity's sake.

After we take these fools down, I want to know who the hell stole all my clothes, so I can shoot him. *sigh* Well, strike plan one. Look on the bright side gentlemen, dressed like this we are sure to scare the brigands away no problem.

Hell, you're sure entertaining me anyway, Ez. All a part of the plan, Mr. Tanner, all a part of the plan. Was falling on your head part of the plan too? Shut up.

Ah, Mr. Wilmington, just the man I wanted to see. May I offer you a drink?

What do you want now, Ez? I have a date for a picnic lunch with a very pretty lady.

I don't need to hear about it. Just answer my question, and maybe elaborate this time.

Larabee's a black cloud of mean darkening up the saloon. Do I need to ask for my money back?

Heaven forbid! Don't worry, Mr. Tanner, I have things well in hand. I may have gotten mixed signals on that last disaster, but I've armed myself with better intel now. It seems I may have been a bit confused over the intent behind the advice of "dress-up". Mr. Larabee was, apparently, fond of a certain purple disaster.

A little practice never hurt anyone. It has been a while since I've worn this particular style of dress, after all, and I wouldn't want to disappoint Mr. Larabee.

You have something to do with this? With what? With this. *waves towards stairs* This what? Staircase? Tanner, so help me, I am not in the mood. Standish is losing his god damned mind. Huh, Ez sure can rile that man up faster than a stepped on rattler. Guess he's earning that money after all.

You can do this Ezra, put a brave face on.

What...the hell? You feeling alright, uh, Ez? Maybe you ought to go see Nate. You did hit your head pretty hard the other day.

Mr. Wilmington, you are about to become gelded.

Josiah, I could use a little help here, man. He won't leave me alone, always with the same damn question! He keeps interrupting my sexy time, and you know how much the ladies need me. Alright, brother, calm down. I'll talk to him...you wouldn't have anything to do with that dress incident would you?

You! Yes, you! Where is Mr. Wilmington hiding? I know you know!

Ezra, son, quit harassing the working girls. We need to talk. Now, calm down and sit. I've heard some very, interesting, things about you from people lately. Do you have anything you need to get off your chest? Any unresolved feelings building up?

Feelings...what? I'm fine. It's a certain Mr. Buck Wilmington who's got problems, and he'll have even more of them when I find his lying ass. No, I don't want to talk about Mr. Larabee, or Mr. Tanner. Leave my mother out of this. I don't have to take this, excuse me.

Giving up already? I hate you. And I happen to be regrouping, planning an alternate approach, if you must know. Sure you're not just hiding from Josiah? Hah, as if I'd need to stoop so low. The man is convinced we're in some deviant threesome you know, you, me and Larabee. And I think he wants to ask Mother out *shudder*. *blink* What have you been telling people? Me! It's not me! It's all Buck's fault! *slow nod* Need me to talk to him? No need, I'm killing him tomorrow.

Please, Nate, please! Would you please go help that fool gambler out so he'll leave me alone, he keeps disrupting my prime sexy time. Only if you promise to never use those words around me again, ever.

I heard you've got a problem. I'm here to help. Just do what I say, and things will work out just fine. That means no more fools stunts that end in concussions and mental health concerns.

Sir, yes, sir.

No one likes a smart ass.

Now, how about story telling? You're mildly good at that. Thanks for the overwhelming accolades, but can you see Chris sitting still for a tale in the mood he's been in lately?

Die, Standish, die!

Right, good point. How about card tricks or poker, or some other game? You want me to fleece, Larabee? Are you out of your mind? What? No! Can't you play for fun, or to lose? Back Satan! *makes sign of the cross with fingers*

Very funny. How about you spar with him? That's always fun for me. I am not letting Chris Larabee anywhere near my person with a long sharp object designed to remove heads. You cost me enough in simple clothing repairs as it is.

*Throws up hands* What, then? Are you going to take a page out of JD's dime-novel and fall off your horse into the drink? I don't see how you think you can accomplish your goal without breaking something. Don't come to me when you're bleeding to death and in pain. *storms off*

*sigh* This pleasant diversion stuff isn't nearly as easy as it ought to be. Trust Chris to be the one man in town too stubborn to loosen up and have a good time. Nathan did have one idea worth a try, I guess. But I think I'll try not to break anything or bleed to death.

Hey, Chris! Look what I can do!

Just stay right where you are, Standish, far away from me, and don't come any closer. Don't make me shoot you for being a drunken idiot.

Maybe, and now don't get mad, this is just a suggestion, pard, but maybe you shouldn't drink before you try and perform tricks with Chaucer. I think he mighta took advantage. Oh, really? And what gave that away? Well, he did run off with your hat and coat. Oh, do shut up. I'll have you know things were going fine, Chris had even stopped frowning, until Buck showed up with his mare. You know how Chaucer feels about Honey Darling. Ah, he started to show off? That how you hit your head again? *sigh* No, that happened after he ran off. Someone moved the boardwalk on me. Uhuh. Shut up. Mr. Dunne, what can we do for you?

Is it true? What you're trying to do? Why didn't you come to me!? You know I got the best jokes for miles around.

Yeah, Ez. Why didn't you go see JD first?

I'm recuperating from a vicious attack, JD, can't you come back later? Like after I've thought up a good excuse not to hear any of your atrocious jokes? Poor boy, he actually thinks they're funny.

That's alright, you don't have to move just listen. I got this great one about a Mexican and...where you going, Vin? I guess he has to ride patrol now, oh well, he's going to miss a great joke...

*some time later* Thank you, JD, for your invaluable insight into the realm of humor. I will keep your three-legged dog and bar jokes in mind if I should find myself in need of them. Ah, that's alright, Ez. What else are friends for? What indeed. My heartfelt thanks once again, I will keep them in mind as a secret weapon. Like dynamite? *laughs* Yes, exactly.

Well, I do have one more idea to try before I give in and become JD's protege. The less people watching this one, the better.

I can't believe I'm doing this again. Larabee better appreciate this. At least I'm winning this time. It sure was awful easy to find someone to make this arrangement with though, maybe I'd better watch my backside.

The man may be insane, but he sure has balls. I'm glad he's on my side, I think. He's going to get a sun burn in some unusual places if he keeps disrobing in public like this though.

*blink* Ez? Whatcha doin'?

The things I do for these men. Have I told you today how much I hate you? No? Well, I do. A lot. But it's working, the plan, I mean. The man even managed a smile, though it was at Mrs. Potter swatting me with a broom for being unclothed on the boardwalk again, and that's not exactly indicative of a good mood. I'll keep trying; I have one more idea. If it involves stripping, maybe you oughta make sure it's in private. You do remember those rumors you were talking about before, right? Well, Josiah's been looking to talk to me. *chuckles* Well, better you than me.

You put him up to this? Maybe. Or maybe it was a certain missing mustached man. He sure seems to be making himself scarce lately.

...so the Mexican says "Cheese? What cheese, I just want my dog." *roaring laughter*

I taught him that joke!

But not the delivery, thank god. I can't believe he stooped so low.

Damn, Ezra, what the hell has gotten into you? You are one sick hombre. Everyone up for a game at the saloon? Drinks are on Buck.

I hope you appreciate the depths I had to go through for you. Much obliged. I suppose it was worth it, in the end. Mr. Larabee is certainly in better spirits; and for whatever you did that set him on Wilmington, thanks. Two of the three boys I've been wanting to see! Josiah! Uh, we need to go, uh... Ride patrol! Right! Let's go, Vin.