Fanfic WIP Snippet

[tpena19]

snagged from strangevisitor7

Post a single sentence from each WIP you have (or as many as you want to pick). No context, no explanations. No more than one sentence.

I only have one WIP, and it's my first real fanfic attempt (wrote part of an original story years ago, I'll have to try and finish it too), so I'll post a few sentences.

1) Taken as a whole, it is more than obvious one of the reasons why this man is god chosen - he is simply breathtaking, even when sick and hurt, and not physically at his best. Denai can only imagine the beauty the young man must glow with when healthy. Yet for of all that, beauty is not enough to be a god's chosen. Denai has seen many a desirable person in his life, but this is the first god chosen seen by any in ages. There must be much more to this man than good looks. (all re:Ezra, and Denai is an OMC)

So what do ya think? Be brutal, but not cruel!!

Comments

[mithril-56.livejournal.com]

I'll give my fb, but it's going to be limited to structure and not content because I don't know what Ezra is, though I assume it's a character from a television show.

Only one thing stands out as awkward in this paragraph, and that's the use of the term 'god chosen' or 'god's chosen'. First, I'm not sure if the two things are meant to be different (i.e. the former might be a noun, as in 'god-chosen', while the latter might be a subject/verb pairing. The first use is particularly difficult for me to categorize; should it be 'a god-chosen', 'god-chosen' or 'god's chosen' instead of 'god chosen'? Second, some version of this phrase is used three times in the paragraph, and that will always end up sounding a bit redundant. Often, after one reference in a paragraph, especially to a noun or noun phrase, something else like a pronoun can be used thereafter (as long as it's in close proximity to the original word/phrase).

What does OMC stand for? I assume the OC is for Original Character, but am not sure of the M. My one comment here, without knowing anything about the subject matter, is to be careful with original characters. If they play a central, major or pivotal role, many people will view it in a Mary Sue sort of light.

Also, you lose some of the benefit that fanfic has built into it - a strong knowledge of the characters and their behavior by the fanbase. Adding an unknown character takes some of that away, and often means your story has to be better than most to get the readers over the hump of dealing with an unknown quantity.

From the sound of the paragraph Denai is the narrator or POV for the story, yes? It has a formal sound structure, which is perhaps unique to either Denai or to Ezra - no way for me to tell that given my lack of background.

Your punctuation and grammar is very good - so kudos to you on that. Some of the best fanfic writers I've seen have horrendous skills in the area of punctuation! Your sentences are rich but do not run on, which is difficult to do.

Good job, and best of luck with your first fic!

[tpena19.livejournal.com]

Thanks for the awesome feedback, much appreciated.

Yes, Ezra is from a tv show, the story is set in a modern times Magnificent 7 AU. Great point about the god-chosen thing, I will work that out.

OMC = Original Male Character, he's not in it for too long (just the later beginning) but he does play an important role in getting other characters to see things in a new light. so I will work extra hard not to create a mary sue-ish persona.

Yes, it was in his pov, and the formal structure was on purpose due to his culture.

And once again, thanks!